So people quote God in different ways and they try to walk in his ways. I don’t and I am not the only one. In fact, people say you should do things by his ways but when it comes to doing it, they do it their way. I am alone and there is nothing that can change that. I have a huge family with lots of people, pets and stories in them but I am yet alone. In the end, when I am gone, I will go alone. So why am I so worried about it anyways, I think. Am I supposed to be glad to witness God in the church or is it because I fear that I would have difficulty in finding me a grave. I thought people bury the dead anyways because they don’t want a dead man in their face as it makes them afraid. And so, I know I will surely be given the last rites a human deserves.

Why do I feel so alone? Is it because I am gay or is it because I know how it feels to be in a crowded room without any known faces. I have had a childhood every gay man may hate. Did I choose to talk in a certain way? Did I choose to walk in a certain way? Why would I do that if I wanted to be happy? Why would I want people to mock me when I am myself? Do people think, I chose a life full of these bullies that came my way? Is it wrong to be gay? Is it right to be gay, did I make a choice? Was it my way or his way? Did someone tell me to look at a boy when I was a kid? And they say, kids are the image of God! Because I was ignorant, I could walk away? And now that I suddenly know it’s wrong, I should change my way? Is it God, or the bully I fear? He won’t have made me that way especially if I was walking in his light like every child would. I am always in a crowd full of friends and I know I am happy. Is it because I am happy only when I am in a crowd so I can feel less human and more divine in the presence of true friendship? I dream of people dying almost every fortnight and I value those who are gone. Do they remind me that I am next? Or do they simply remind me of the love they gave me while I was with them? Why do I dream of people who are alive as if they would die? Is it because I feel my relationship with them is dead? Or is it because he works in mysterious ways to tell me I don’t have much of my time to waste ignoring them? I know anything can happen to anyone. A rich man can lose anything. A boy can be a victim of molestation when he is eight. A girl can be used by men who don’t value a greater power or people can gather and destroy things while making it. I know I am a victim of these event, whenever they have to come.

So, why am I afraid of life? Why should I spend it in prayer? Why can’t I not make it count so that I will remember my life as a good one? If God sees in me my faults, he made me human. If he sees me working hard to be a nice person by doing what is right, will just my effort to try not redeem me of his punishments? Will he ever punish me knowing he placed me in a puzzle without my consent? Am I his toy or is it the society that enjoys seeing me that way? I know God was made to bring peace in our lives by people. Or did God make people to bring chaos so that he could see how we bring peace? Do I know all these answers? Will I ever get them? Why am I seeking for these answers when he made me as his answer? I am a quest for so many people in my life who will never understand what it is to be gay. No one knows why I am this way. Just like I don’t know if there is a God who made me that way. The only thing that will yet make us better is a question. If there is no question, there is no hope for an answer. If there are no answers, the humanity in me will perish. So I hope.


2 responses to “Hope

    • Very deep thoughts sav….. some times we just have to leave it to GOD…. initially we get the answers for all the questions.. because GOD always has best plans for us. We have to wait for him to answer us.


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