So people quote God in different ways and they try to walk in his ways. I don’t and I am not the only one. In fact, people say you should do things by his ways but when it comes to doing it, they do it their way. I am alone and there is nothing that can change that. I have a huge family with lots of people, pets and stories in them but I am yet alone. In the end, when I am gone, I will go alone. So why am I so worried about it anyways, I think. Am I supposed to be glad to witness God in the church or is it because I fear that I would have difficulty in finding me a grave. I thought people bury the dead anyways because they don’t want a dead man in their face as it makes them afraid. And so, I know I will surely be given the last rites a human deserves.
Why do I feel so alone? Is it because I am gay or is it because I know how it feels to be in a crowded room without any known faces. I have had a childhood every gay man may hate. Did I choose to talk in a certain way? Did I choose to walk in a certain way? Why would I do that if I wanted to be happy? Why would I want people to mock me when I am myself? Do people think, I chose a life full of these bullies that came my way? Is it wrong to be gay? Is it right to be gay, did I make a choice? Was it my way or his way? Did someone tell me to look at a boy when I was a kid? And they say, kids are the image of God! Because I was ignorant, I could walk away? And now that I suddenly know it’s wrong, I should change my way? Is it God, or the bully I fear? He won’t have made me that way especially if I was walking in his light like every child would. I am always in a crowd full of friends and I know I am happy. Is it because I am happy only when I am in a crowd so I can feel less human and more divine in the presence of true friendship? I dream of people dying almost every fortnight and I value those who are gone. Do they remind me that I am next? Or do they simply remind me of the love they gave me while I was with them? Why do I dream of people who are alive as if they would die? Is it because I feel my relationship with them is dead? Or is it because he works in mysterious ways to tell me I don’t have much of my time to waste ignoring them? I know anything can happen to anyone. A rich man can lose anything. A boy can be a victim of molestation when he is eight. A girl can be used by men who don’t value a greater power or people can gather and destroy things while making it. I know I am a victim of these event, whenever they have to come.
So, why am I afraid of life? Why should I spend it in prayer? Why can’t I not make it count so that I will remember my life as a good one? If God sees in me my faults, he made me human. If he sees me working hard to be a nice person by doing what is right, will just my effort to try not redeem me of his punishments? Will he ever punish me knowing he placed me in a puzzle without my consent? Am I his toy or is it the society that enjoys seeing me that way? I know God was made to bring peace in our lives by people. Or did God make people to bring chaos so that he could see how we bring peace? Do I know all these answers? Will I ever get them? Why am I seeking for these answers when he made me as his answer? I am a quest for so many people in my life who will never understand what it is to be gay. No one knows why I am this way. Just like I don’t know if there is a God who made me that way. The only thing that will yet make us better is a question. If there is no question, there is no hope for an answer. If there are no answers, the humanity in me will perish. So I hope.