He had started to feel like he was scarred all over. Like a dead body feasted on by a flock of vultures. Every time he fell in love, it felt like a part of his soul was pulled out of him. It felt like a cat with nine lives, or in his case, a thousand. “How did I even get here? And yet live… ” He would ask himself. It was true. He had had it the harsh way. Nothing seemed to work. The last time he had an affair, he was asked to check on what was his pattern with the older ones. It had startled him. “Why would anyone say that to you without looking at their own past”, He had said calmly.
The answer to that mockery was simple. It was his pattern to let people walk over him. With the first one, it was just the awesome feeling of love and attraction. He had fallen for that beautiful body and then the person. It had lasted half a month. Turned out, that he was the rebound guy.
The second was married. Gone in 7 days. The third was a tornado. Filled with abuse, fights and loads of arguments, plainly because they both had an ego, he had thought. He would only react; never act, was his way of looking at it… “I will give in return, what I am given”. It didn’t work. The insults had got to him. Just the feeling of someone dominant all the time made him want to end it. And it did.
The fourth was a money spending spree. He spent so much, that he had to borrow in the end. Made his life hell. And when the money stopped, the relationship ended.
Then third was repeated again… but the feeling had gone. It was amazing that all the dominance had gone and the understanding had poured in. He was 27 then. But, he felt it artificial. Like it was not the real person who was in love with him. He felt it was dead. He could not understand it, the quite, the unsaid, the absence of all that loud dominance and so it ended.
The fifth was a charmer. It was absolutely perfect, like it was meant to be. But when it came to commitment, it brought the whole building crumbling down. He could not understand why the commitment, which was easy for him, was so difficult for the other. His mind had fought over this thought of how someone can fear something so nice and amazing. But of course, like everything sweet, bitterness came and washed away his dreams. The only thing he felt then was “used”.
Since that one, nothing seems to make sense. He had gotten stronger and bolder. Understood life better. Understand the patterns of nature and how one cannot meddle with it. But then something happened. He didn’t know if it was the loneliness that had crept in or that another person was willing to fall in love with him. He didn’t understand where he was. How could someone love him so much he thought, that they were willing to make changes to their life to accommodate him?
It happened so suddenly. It was not a mistake. He had done this willingly. Against his natures will, he had gone for the unexpected. He had not understood why he had fallen in love. All the boldness and power and stability within him had fallen to pieces. Again, he had fallen in love. It made him kinder, sweeter, cuddlier even. Something he had missed since a long time.
But like every other time, life had cheated him. He felt played upon. Like a bird that landed to the sea, sipped and flown away. It brought back all the feelings of hurt, loneliness and vulnerability. The bird had flown away with no harm done. Like a free bird, careless and up in sky without looking back on what happened back there. He lay there thinking what could happen next. Would he be able to love again? His heart felt full with so much love left in it that it could burst. It felt like it grew smaller while all that love remained and it ached so bad, that he could cry with the feeling of loneliness.
They were yet friends and that, was the problem he thought. He could not understand, how someone wanted to be so much in love with him and then suddenly want to show distance in their behavior. No talking much, no meeting much, no chatting much. There were days he was told that they would talk after some days. He could not understand how to manage such an understanding. Unlike this, when sex was the needed, meeting or talking or wanting for him was displayed, so well.
“Is that what it was?”, he had thought. She was just lonely and so, misunderstood that, as a need for love and had proposed to him. And now that they had spent so much time, she had understood it and moved on. She had let him hang around. It was up to her to decide if she can throw him down the cliff and won’t warn him either. Like death that came with no warning.
They parted within two months. At this phase, he felt like a failure. His emotions failed him. His belief in himself had fallen. He was scarred all over, his confidence broken.
But he knew that life had to go on. He thought about what she had asked him to do. And then he thought of what went wrong with his relationships. He spent so much time in pleasing them, that all he got, was pain. They had enjoyed knowing that he was their fool. They knew, they could walk all over him and if he didn’t do what was told, it was time for it to end. The moment they had everything they needed, they just upped and ran away. No reason given, just told to walk away. Like the last one, the more nearer they got, the more easily it had ended.
Was it his fault that he was being himself totally, with them? Did they never see how much he loved them? The only thing he wondered was, what did he do that was wrong?, for days. The only thing he felt was more pain and more alone, every time.
He knew there was someone out there for him. He was afraid to look now. He was afraid to dive in the sea again and explore what was in it for him. His soul lay weak. He needed someone who would hold him in their arms and hug him. He knew he could not give up as he never was that kinda person. He had to walk the talk, be himself. He knew only a few who knew him so well that they would stand by him. He could not let them see how fragile he had become. He had to walk, with his head high. He had to show to those he loved and those who loved him that he was able to take another blow, if it came by. After all, no one could see what was happening to his heart. They only saw the smiles of a man who would smile at them even when they hurt him. He could not resist being that guy who people walked all over. He knew he could not let anyone do that to him again.
So he walked up a cliff and jumped off it. Because he felt, none of them would care.